I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My hand turned me down
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
