Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
