I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
