Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
