Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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