I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
