So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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