he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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