my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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