Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
