and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
