I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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