Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
