I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
