So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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