My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
