I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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