my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
