i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
