dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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