I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
