I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I touched a dick in church today
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
