you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
