I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
