Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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