Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
