At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
