just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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