Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
