I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
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