Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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