I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
