Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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