Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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