I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Randomize
