So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
