my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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