Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
