Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Randomize
