Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
