you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
