i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
