I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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