my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
