textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
