Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
