Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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