Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
