my vag is so smooth its legendary
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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