Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
