You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I forget how to act sober
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
